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  • kdlaine

What’s up doc?

When you have gone through a life changing event and someone acknowledges it, that someone changes status in my eyes. That’s my “notice them” moment. This acknowledgement moves them from “any ole body” to noticeable. If they go through more than one such event with me, They earn special rights. They have my ear, because they “see” me. When I was in the “depths“ of post pardon, Dr. B. asked me a question unexpectedl. Eyeball to eyeball she inquired, “Are you OK?“ I quickly dismissed it, as a professional courtesy. I answered, “ yeah, I’m good”. She must not have known seen something I was missing, because she repositioned her body and asked again. This time I paused. It was the first time I explored the thought. I was feeling like a three on the scale of one to ten. Ten being my the best scenario & my joyous self. I hadn’t even weighed the fact that I’m on the edge of tears most days, that leaving the house is a chore and having this particular baby felt like I was less of “I’m part of the club” and more like “ I‘m doing this alone”. With support, resources & community in spades, the story I was telling myself didn’t match my reality.

Dr. B talked to me in a way that when I reflect on the moment, it still brings me to tears. She gave me permission to say, “This is HARD!” Initially it was awkward. There are worse things in life, besides my heaviness. I didn’t feel worthy, but I knew I didn’t have to have it all together either. Pretending is for posers. This is real feeling, real time and I’m a real person. Magic happened. The acknowledgment gave ”it” a name. I could say it aloud. I had some undiagnosed post-pardon. It was not something I knew could be in my story. The possible definition broke through to my spirit. It registered enough for me to know, where I was now. I had been living in sadness, but I dont have to stay there. I started talking to trusted friend, praying and looking at my options for healing. Being far removed from that time and acknowledging that this bout with depression was a master teacher in my recovery. I am quick to give myself grace,. I ask other folks for space. I am less of a martyr. I had someone give me a safe place and asked me to be bravely honest. It took a few extra minutes. The moment acted as just enough leverage for me consider that I need to begin to see myself as priority. Thanks Dr. B. She gave me a attentive ear & defined “holding space“ for me.

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